I met my husband later in life: I was twenty-nine. OK, that may not sound like a ‘late’ marriage, but in my church circles everyone was married by the ripe old age of twenty-one. At twenty-nine, I was considered practically retired. Or a leper.
During those years of singledom, I encountered some interesting myths and assumptions about single people. I have learned that society judges singles in a myriad of ways:
– Marriage isn’t important to them
– They forgot to get married
– They’re career-oriented
– They’re too picky
– They’re not putting themselves out there
– They need to lose weight/wear make-up/change their appearance/work on their personality
– They’re unhappy (because everyone needs to be married to be happy)
– They’re happy (and Marrieds are jealous of them)
– They’re doing something wrong
– They need to work on being the right partner first
– They need to stop looking, then the right partner will come along
– They should enjoy their singledom
– They’ll be single forever
– They’re out to steal my partner!
I remember being asked if I was being ‘too picky’ and told to work on myself more. A friend told me to enjoy this period of my life…as though it was only a temporary season. It’s frustrating to be told you have to work on yourself to ‘earn’ a partner, while everyone else is getting married with apparent effortlessness. How is that fair? It’s also strange to be told your singledom is temporary when the scary reality is you might never marry. At twenty-nine, I was increasingly worried this would be the case for me.
It’s frustrating to be told you have to ‘earn’ a partner, while everyone else gets married with apparent effortlessness.
The Church seems to have its own special assumptions about single people:
– They’re in sin
– They’re not praying hard enough
– They need more faith
– They have the ‘gift of singleness’ (ugh)
– God has a partner for them
– If you serve God faithfully, he will bless you with a partner
– God will make it happen when they least expect it
– We have to separate them from Marrieds because they don’t want to hear, or can’t handle hearing, about sex
– They don’t want to hang out with Marrieds.
Mad, isn’t it? Not only do single Christians have to contend with the negative judgements of society about not being good enough for marriage, they also have to deal with not being a good enough Christian. I remember being told it would happen for me if I prayed hard enough (therefore I was still single because my prayer was inadequate) and that God definitely had someone for me.
False hope is all very encouraging (not) until you get to your late twenties and it still hasn’t happened. It gives rise to questions, not to mention a few myths and doubts about oneself:
– There’s something wrong with me
– I’m less valued, less worthy and less loveable than Marrieds
– I have displeased God somehow.
I truly believed that God would bless me with a husband if I was faithful. I had been told as much for years by my church. I didn’t know what to do with the crushing realisation that God’s blessings were not guaranteed, and that I couldn’t ‘earn’ or ‘bargain’ my way into marriage.
In the end, I settled into an uncomfortable arrangement with God. I would keep praying because I still wanted to be married. But I would do so on the acceptance that God may not say ‘yes’ for a long time, perhaps not ever. I decided to follow Jesus regardless of the outcome. (Turns out God did have a spouse for me. But that didn’t happen until years later.)
It’s hard to trust God with your future when so much is unknown. It’s a vulnerable place to be, handing over your most treasured hopes and dreams to One who may never bring them into being. Yet that is real faith too: believing in a God whom we cannot see and entrusting all our days to him, rather than putting our hopes in myths or false promises.
I hope you find a way to do that with God too.
How hard do you find it to entrust your future, including your relationship status, to God? Are you willing to hand your relationships over to God’s keeping, no matter the outcome? What else do you need to entrust to God’s care today? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.
This is so relatable. Strange how universal these platitudes all are.
I’m currently single at 30. I also attend a church where most people are married, and where most younger folks have married in their twenties. I’m familiar with all of these assumptions. And, for sure, it often seems like the others have met their partners effortlessly. This can feel so frustrating when you’re single. Personally, I’ve been a bit more proactive. I’ve joined dating sites/apps, approached people I was interested in, and gotten involved in social scenes where I can meet people. None of these have worked out so far. In the meantime, others have met their partners and spouses by coincidence (when they “stopped looking,” as the cliché goes) Envy and comparison is definitely a real struggle in a world like that. When they give advice about singleness/dating/marriage it often includes the usual platitudes about “trusting God” and “God’s timing” and “waiting on the Lord.” None of which ever help much, of course.
Also, why do people assure that your singleness is just a temporary season? Why do they think they know these things, when I don’t know it? So strange! It might seem like an obvious point that none of us are guaranteed romantic success, or marriage. But, personally, for a while, I didn’t really think about that. I just thought it was a given, since I desired marriage, and thus lacked the “gift of singleness.” Strange how much power these ideas can have, even when the Bible doesn’t make us any promises about romance or marriage.
Personally, I don’t know how much God really involves Himself in these things. The Bible doesn’t make us any promises about romance or marriage. Maybe it’s just good luck and bad luck that some marry and others stay single. It’s a bad world we live in.
Hi James, I resonate with your comment on so many levels. I have seen many young Christians find spouses with apparent effortlessness, while I struggled for years with self-doubt and bad dating experiences. The online approach eventually worked for me, but I know this is not the case for many single Christians. Before I met my husband though, I was an extremely frustrated single – no ‘gift of singleness’ for me! I was told it would happen when I stopped looking (as though God were planning to ambushing me) and that I should enjoy it (singledom) while it lasted (inferring that singledom is only ever temporary). Ugh. I agree that marriage is not a given – and many people who do marry end up losing it too – so we cannot make promises on God’s behalf about anyone of us being married, when the truth is none of us know what the future holds. All we really have is today and our simple trust that God holds our entire lives in the palms of his hands. Thanks for sharing your story.
God was planning to ambush you, haha! I like that. Strange how universal all these Christianese clichés and platitudes are, aren’t they?
Yeah, I’ve tried online too, and I have met dates that way, but nothing that ever blossomed into a relationship. It happens, of course, I don’t blame online dating for that. Dating apps/sites are just a tool to find people, that’s all. And maybe it’ll work out one day, who knows? I certainly don’t want to abandon hope just yet.
Yeah, for sure, being single can definitely be frustrating. Even “extremely” frustrating, as you say. It’s made even worse when Christians try to tell to you that you have to be “content” with being single and that experiencing all these negative emotions is some sort of sign that you’re immature or that your heart’s not right or something.
Like you said, people will tell you that it’ll happen when you “stop looking.” That doesn’t make much sense, though, does it? If I’m unemployed, am I going to find a job once I “stop looking”?
And, yeah, people tell you to “enjoy” being single, even when you don’t want it. So strange. Ehen you’re single, people will also tell you to “take advantage” of it because you can apparently “serve more.” You have more “time” to serve. You have more “time for the Lord,” etc.
I think lot of this comes from a certain take on what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you AREN’T distracted by the desire for marriage, then MAYBE you have the gift of singleness.
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry. But, if I do, I hope I can give single Christians more helpful and practical advice than the stuff I grew up with.
Hi James, thanks for sharing your personal insights and valuable comments on this. I resonate with your experience of being told to be ‘content’ by other Christians – easy for them to say when they’re in a place of contentment, eh? When you’re frustrated and disillusioned, being told to be content and to enjoy it can feel like some sort of sick joke. As for having more time to serve – some single Christians are the busiest people on the planet, often having to work two jobs or being asked to babysit or take on other tasks for churches or families in their ‘spare time’. You don’t have to have a spouse or children to be busy! I share in your hope that you can give other Christian singles real support and solidarity arising from your own (good and bad) experiences, and I truly hope you find yourself able to live for Christ, regardless of what happens on the relationship front. As you say, who knows? Have a lovely evening!