‘You should be content with your singledom.’
‘God wants you to use this time to develop yourself.’
‘Enjoy it while it lasts!’
These are just some of the messages I received while I was single. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had agreed with them. (It also would not have been so bad if everyone my age wasn’t already married, by the way.) But the main thing that made it horrible was that I wasn’t happy being single. I wasn’t content. I was frustrated. And there’s nothing worse than trying to feel content when you’re just not.
I felt like I had to fake being happy. While my friends were trying to decide whether or not to have a third child, I was the third wheel in every conversation, every get-together, every dinner invite. I desperately wanted to be married, and not just for the sake of fitting in with everyone else. I was a loving person, and I wanted to give that love to someone special.
But with no takers on the horizon, I felt the pressure of ‘enjoying’ my overt rejection. Especially in Christian circles. I felt like I had to put on a show of contentment, or else I would be a bad Christian. I was worried, too worried as it turns out, about being judged.
So I tried. ‘What will people think of me,’ I mused, ‘if I say I’m Christian but I whinge and complain about being single? It would be a pretty poor advert for God, wouldn’t it?’
I wish someone sensible had talked sense into me at that point. I wish Older Me had sat me down and said, ‘You’re not a bad advert for God by being honest.’ I wish I had known that you can feel sadness and loneliness and discontentment, and that none of these human feelings make you a bad Christian. And that even if someone did judge me for it—who cares?
I wish someone had reassured me that God was not disappointed in me for feeling this way—and that God was not interested in judging me by my level of spiritual attractiveness.
Today I want to say this to you. Hopefully you already know this and you are more sensible than I was in my twenties, but just in case: if you are single and unhappy about it, it’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to be honest about it. God doesn’t think any less of you because of it; if anything, he joins with you in that sadness and frustration. He cares about how you feel. He doesn’t think you’re a bad advert, and he’s not judging you like a Christianity sales rep. You’re his child, and he loves you.
May God’s peace and reassurance rest on you today.
Have you ever felt pressured to ‘fake happy’ as a single person? What was that like for you? Do you ever worry about being a ‘bad advert’ for God? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.
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When Christians talk about singleness, they often bring up the idea that the Good Christian Thing To Do as a single person is to “be content” with it or to “learn contentment” in it.
But in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul doesn’t say that, if you’re single, you have to find contentment in your singleness. He actually says that if you’re NOT content with being single, then maybe you should get married. Paul DOES say that HE, personally, is content with being single, and that he wishes that everyone was like him. But he also admits that not everyone IS like that. And when Paul talks about contentment in Philippians, he mentions being content IN all things, not WITH all things. I think there’s an important difference. I mean, what if you’re currently homeless, or being abused, or unemployed? Should we “learn contentment” with these situations, or do things to escape them? And if we were all able to make ourselves “content” with being single, well, then, why would anyone ever bother with dating or marriage?
Paul’s writing on this issue is pretty nuanced. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. He says that HE, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
So it grinds my gears when people try to boil down this nuanced message of Paul’s to something simplistic like “the Bible tells us to be content with our singleness” or “the Bible says singleness is better!” or “the Bible calls singleness a gift! Wow! How amazing and counter-cultural!” I wonder if these sorts of interpretations are a recent, modern phenomenon, in an era where, apparently, less people marry, and less people marry young.
You also mention the line “God wants you to use this time to develop yourself.” I’ve actually never heard that one before. Usually the version I hear is “God wants you to use this time to focus on Him” or something like that. A common message you get is that a “season” of singleness is ordained by God as a special time to be devoted to doing His work. That’s a weird idea, though. There’s no “season” of life where we’re NOT supposed to be doing that. Hahaha! This line is often told to people who are single into their twenties and past. What about the young Christian couple that dates in high school and then gets married at 21? I guess they had it all figured out? Hahaha. Did THOSE people have to “learn contentment” in their singleness first? We can definitely over-spiritualize this stuff. The Bible doesn’t even talk about marriage vs. a “season of singleness.” It talks about marriage vs. lifelong celibacy.
Like you said, often, as Christian singles, we’re unhappy, frustrated, and discontent. I certainly am, haha. Unfortunately, sometimes, as Christians we can get the idea that it’s a bad thing for us to feel all the negative human emotions. At least when it comes to the “minor issue” of unwanted singleness. If we feel those, then that’s, apparently somehow a sign of “spiritual immaturity,” as we like to say. And, sure, it could be. But they’re also a result of living in a fallen world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way.
I appreciate your point about having to put on a show of being content. Personally, I didn’t quite feel it in those terms, but, often, as a Christian single who desires marriage, you can repress or downplay that desire because you don’t want to hear all the Christianese platitudes from well-meaning but unhelpful people. So we often put on a show just to avoid the bad advice. When people tell me about their unmet romantic desires, I try to remember to keep my own advice as practical as I can. That’s what I would want.
And, like you said, often people who express “discontent” with their singleness are pegged as “whiners” and “complainers.”
I think a look back at Creation sheds some different light on this. Marriage happened in the Garden of Eden. While Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. God looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Isn’t that interesting? You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
In the Garden of Eden, when the world was perfect, God gave Adam a wife. Then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. I think this is important to note. In Paradise, when things were perfect, there was marriage. In the post-Fall world, there’s people who desire marriage, but it doesn’t work out for them. It’s one of the many genuine disappointments that we all have to deal with in a fallen, sinful world. For many, it’s a genuine hardship. It’s OK to recognize it as such. Unfortunately, we can often dismiss unmet romantic desires as some kind of “First World Problem.” We’re quick to “remind” the people dealing with these things that “There’s worse things, you know.” Which is true, sure, but it doesn’t do anything to help or comfort you, does it?
In Matthew 19, Jesus talks about single folks (well, eunuchs) and he mentions a few different types. People who choose to live that way, people who are made that way by God, and people who are made that way by “other men.” So some people are single and celibate, and it’s not because THEY chose it OR because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out in a bad world. I’ve also often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will be able to marry, even if they want to very badly. And some Christians live in parts of the world where there’s no other Christians around to marry, or too few of them. It’s not necessarily because their singleness was “God’s plan.”
And, for sure, singleness can involve genuine hardship. We all want to be noticed, and chosen. And romantic love is certainly unique and special. Yes, your friends love you, but it’s not THAT kind of love. Yes, your family loves you, but it’s not THAT kind of love. And yes, Jesus loves you…..but it’s not THAT kind of love. I’ve always liked how, in the Bible, there’s so many different Hebrew and Greek words for the different kinds of love. In English, we can only over-use one, haha.
Marriage is the most intimate way that someone else will choose you and love you. And sex is, the most intimate way that someone else will physically love you, and, according to Christian ethics, can only be experienced via marriage. If you have the desire for romance, and marriage, and sex, well, there’s only one way to quench that. You can’t repress it, or distract yourself by simply forming more friendships, or doing all the Good Christian Things more. If you miss out on these things, be it for a period of time or for your entire life, it can involve genuine pain. I wish people would acknowledge that more, rather than wave it away with Christianese platitudes about how “Jesus is enough” or “There’s more to life than sex, you know,” etc. etc.
Interestingly enough, a lot of research (almost all secular) indicates that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then! Yes, marriage has its challenges. But there’s enjoyable and good things about marriage, too. Enjoyable and good things that, if you’re single, you simply miss out on. That’s certainly hard, and should be acknowledged.
Marriage is the most intimate way that another human will ever choose you and love you. If you desire that, and miss out on that (whether it’s for a period of time or for tour whole life), it can be very painful. You can’t just find a substitute for it by making more friends, or reading your Bible more, or singing more worship songs. It’s OK to acknowledge reality. We live in a hard world.
If you’re happily married, it means (ideally, at least) that someone else liked you, wanted to get to know you, evaluated you, and decided that you were worth spending their whole life with. And their family and friends also evaluated the match and decided that you were worthy too. I’ve never been married, but I’m sure that stuff must feel like quite the win. If you haven’t experienced that, well, it sucks. And it’s OK to admit that it sucks.
Also, all research I’ve ever seen (almost all secular) says that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Well, then!
Also, look at some biblical examples of childlessness. I know this is a different issue from singleness, but it’s interesting to look at the role of desire and emotion here. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. When Jephthah’s daughter becomes a lifelong virgin (something she never has a choice in) she gathers her friends and spends two whole months in literal mourning. Where in the Bible are these people criticized or condemned for “idolatry”? Or for “whining” and “complaining”? Nowhere.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good. You’re not a whiner simply for acknowledging and struggling with hard realities. And unwanted singleness does involve lots of hard realities.
James, as always, I appreciate the thoughtful consideration of your comments. I agree, Paul never condemns us for having certain feelings, either contentment or discontentment, but he does give us guidelines for acting on them and not staying in unhelpful situations. I reckon God must be like that: helping us to deal with tricky situations, and often our discontentment is a sign that something isn’t right in our situation. I agree also with your points about Paul’s opinion on singledom being just that: an opinion, and that it’s probably a good idea for all people, regardless of marital status, to be working on themselves. And absolutely, relationship status is not necessarily a reflection of spirituality or maturity; not everyone will marry, and a lot of that will be due to circumstance, not because of sin or a mysterious divine ‘plan’ where some people get their desires fulfilled and others don’t. I was interested in your mention of research saying marrieds are happier etc., whereas there seems to be emerging research about singles being happier. I suspect that’s about people getting stuck in unhappy or unhealthy marriages, which unfortunately is rife in our current society (and I guess previous societies as well). Neither road is easy, and both singledom and marriagedom can be fraught with difficulties. I guess it’s part of my calling to highlight the difficulties inherent in unwanted singledom, and in childlessness as well. Thank you for mentioning that.