Why Childlessness Doesn’t Make You a Bad Advert for God

‘God wants you to be fruitful and multiply.’

‘Sex is only for procreation.’

‘Motherhood is the greatest gift God can give you.’

There’s pressure in Christian circles to have children. Don’t believe me? I’ve been subjected to each of the above. In fact, I’ve been told in no uncertain terms that I’m in sin if I don’t have children. Yes, you read that right.

This sweeping generalisation that all good Christian women must have children, reflective of our pronatalist society, quickly runs aground. What if one cannot have children? What if one is ambivalent about having children because of physical or financial constraints? What if one has medical or mental health issues that would make parenting difficult—or that one would not wish to pass on to the next generation? What if one has serious concerns about their parenting capacity? What about those who are perfectly happy without children?

Not having children puts you in danger of being judged by other Christians. And that isn’t the only judgey part. Apparently you have to have children in a certain way. Some Christians frown upon IVF and other medical interventions designed to optimise fertility. They say you have to trust God and have kids naturally, or not at all. Frankly, while there are ethical considerations in some treatments, trying for children is hard enough without the added pressure of worrying about being a ‘bad advert’ for God in the process.

If you stop trying to conceive (TTC), you are often told, ‘Don’t give up.’ Ceasing the TTC process is a difficult decision, yet many view that cessation as a lack of faith: ‘Keep trying,’ they urge; ‘Relax and it will happen;’ ‘God will give you the desires of your heart.’ Many childless people stop not because of waning faith but because of physical, emotional, mental and financial exhaustion. They simply cannot continue.

Even if you can’t have kids, there can be pressure, overt or otherwise, to adopt. The adoption question is nuanced, not black-and-white. It is not to be taken lightly, and it is not the linear journey many people seem to imagine. It also does not always end happily. Yet if I don’t adopt, I’m in danger of being a so-called ‘bad advert’ too. I may also get accused of callousness and being ignorant to the plight of hundreds of needy children awaiting adoption. But I can’t rescue everyone. If only I could.

Childlessness does not make one a bad advert for God. On the contrary, some childless people have the strongest faith I’ve ever seen. They are an inspiration to me personally and to many others. Childlessness is no reason for shame and is certainly not a reflection of one’s faith or lack thereof.

Being a Christian is not about our faith anyway, but about leaning on the One who is faithful. It’s about him, not us. He doesn’t love us for our advertising potential; he loves us because we’re his children. Our place in his family is not dependent on our procreational capacity or parenting status, but on this one single thing: he has welcomed us. We belong to him.

Whatever your situation, I pray you will know his welcoming love today.

Have you ever been judged for being childless? Have you experienced pressure to have children? How did you respond to that? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.