Almost Cancelled

I almost cancelled plans this week. But I didn’t.

Okay, Steph, big deal. Why are you blogging about almost-cancelled plans?

Because when you live with chronic illness, you have to cancel things all the time. And it gets a bit annoying. (For ‘a bit,’ read ‘extremely, muchly, grievously.’ And for ‘annoying,’ read ‘devastating.’)

I was getting sick on the weekend, and I thought I was going to get sicker. It would mean cancelling work, perhaps for the whole week. Not only do I love my job, but it’s a new job, meaning I want to make a good impression. Also, I don’t have any sick leave. Because chronic illness. Plus, I don’t like letting people down. So, yeah, lots of reasons I wanted to be well.

The thought of cancelling brought up a whole history of cancelled plans in my chronically ill life. It’s frankly depressing to get sick so often that the grief of the merest thought of cancelling outweighs the drudgery of the actual illness. I was so upset about it. At first, I got grumpy. Who wouldn’t? Then I got really sad. Being immunocompromised, I do tend to catch every bug that’s going around. But it’s still a sucker punch to the soul every time.

It’s still a sucker punch to the soul every time.

There’s good news, though. I went to bed praying that God would heal me overnight. He has sometimes done that before. Not always, mind you. So I prayed with a sort of acceptance that God might not heal me, but really hoping that he would. God is gracious, and he is kind, and he sometimes heals.

I woke up the next morning feeling better. Thanks to God, I was able to go to work and do the job I love. I didn’t need to take leave without pay. And I didn’t feel the physical awfulness that is illness. Yay!

Still, it’s interesting that I grieved pretty hard when I thought I was getting sick. It wasn’t just about this sickness or the prospect of missing a week of work. It was all the illnesses I’ve ever had, all the weeks (or months) off work, all the cancelled plans. They pile up. It’s part of the ongoing grief of chronic illness. Perhaps you can relate?

For me, it’s helpful not to dwell on the grief too much, lest it turn to madness. When I get depressed about potential cancellations in the future and about how I don’t have much control over this chronic illness, I channel that angst into things I can control: enjoying this moment, right here, because it’s all I’ve got; getting out and doing things while I still can, because I don’t know how long it will last; and making big plans sometimes, like travel, because if I can pull it off, it will be so worth it.

And God helps. Not just with healing when it’s needed, but with comfort in the grief, peace in the panic, and joy in what I still have. For all these things and more, I am grateful.

How about you? How do you cope with cancelled plans? What helps you with the grief of chronic illness? How has God met you in those spaces? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.