No one tells you about the rage. I wish someone had. I wish when I was first diagnosed with lupus that someone wise, a doctor, a counsellor, a pastor, had sat me down and said, ‘Now, Steph, lupus is going to change you as a person. You will come to resent your own skin and […]
silence
The Counterculturalism of Stillness
‘Be still and know that I am God.’ Psalm 46:10, NIV Nearly three years ago, I started practising stillness on a regular basis. Inspired by Julia Baird’s luminescent book, Phosphorescence*, and the constant noise inside my own head, I set myself a goal of becoming still at least once a day. It didn’t matter if […]
My Weird Testimony
‘I’ll pray for your healing,’ smiled the young woman. ‘Actually,’ I smiled back, ‘I think God has told me he’s not going to heal me.’ The woman frowned. ‘That’s not the God I know. My God would never deny me healing.’ ‘OK, let me tell you my weird testimony…’ In the not-too-distant past, I was […]
A Recovering Perfectionist Finds Joy
It’s been a difficult morning. A difficult month, actually. Nothing special, just the general busyness of work and life. Lots of appointments and medical things going on, all important, all worthwhile, but taxing. And it’s catching up with me. At times like these, I often hear the voice of the Perfectionist bellowing in my ear: […]
Survival Skills: Grace in the Flames
Three years ago I became disabled by illness. I don’t know whether it was lupus or not; the illness was never diagnosed. But it was a doozy of a flare-up and I was off work for about six months. During that time, I was virtually house-bound, going out only for medical appointments. I had to […]
Survival Skills: Beauty and Breath
In the cool of the evening, I walk down the winding street toward the lake. The sunlight is fading gently into deep yellow and orange, the feathered clouds tinged with pink. There are a few joggers and dog walkers about, and we exchange a nod and a soft greeting. I pass gum trees, bottle brushes […]
The Art of Silence
I live with chronic illness. And God hasn’t healed me. Admittedly, non-healing doesn’t seem to be much of a testimony. Yet God has brought some interesting things out of this illness experience, and perhaps they are worth sharing with you. In particular, I have had to get good at doing nothing whatsoever. My illness has […]
Praying Through Infertility—Faith Renovations
‘When we start from the foundation of knowing we are loved, rather than demolishing our faith, times of pain can lead to faith renovations…’ – ‘A Firm Foundation’, Katherine Gantlett, from Praying Through Infertility. This quote for me sums up the entire message and tone of Praying Through Infertility, the 90-day devotional for men and women struggling […]
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Wintering
Look to the animal kingdom. They know what to do when the cold weather sets in. They know instinctively how to respond when the icy wind whips through the streets and under our doors, slicing through our clothing like knives, making us shiver with the effort of keeping warm. The animals have a plan when […]
The Need for Silent Night
Everyone is talking about self-care this Christmas. For each of us, self-care will look different, depending on our personality, holiday plans and personal circumstances. Personally, I am living with childlessness and chronic illness. (And a cat. So it is not all bad.) Which begs the question: how does a person with grief and sickness celebrate […]