‘Don’t worry, your singleness is just for a season,’ my friend reassured me. ‘Why don’t you use this season to work on yourself?’
Ugh. There is so much in these two seemingly innocuous sentences that irks me. Beyond the misconception that once you work on yourself the right partner will magically appear, summoned by your hard-won perfection, there is also the irkiness of the supposed singledom ‘season’.
Seasons of the year are marked by their transitory nature. They are defined by the very fact that they do not last forever. They are permanently temporary. In the workplace, you might find yourself acting up into a leadership role ‘for a season’ or being seconded into another role or department ‘for a season’. It is assumed and understood that it will come to an end.
Therein lies the issue with singledom. For some people, singledom is a permanent state. It is not a ‘season’—unless it can be considered a lifelong one! Yes, a single person may one day transition into a relationship and maybe even marriage. But just as many people these days are single as are married, and so the seasonal conceptualisation of singledom becomes problematic.
For some people, singledom is a permanent state.
Imagine if we started viewing marriage through the lens of seasons. ‘Don’t worry, your marriage is just for a season.’ We would never assume that! Yet we view singledom as temporary and as a precursor to the inevitable marriage state.
Don’t get me wrong. Many people who use the ‘season’ response with their single friends are, I believe, only trying to be encouraging. That was certainly the case for my friend at the beginning of our tale. But therein lies the other problem with promising that one’s singledom is seasonal: no one knows that.
We don’t know the future. My friend didn’t know what lay in store for me. Even the most well-meaning people can fall into the trap of making promises about our relationship status that they simply cannot keep. And then we cross over the border into the land of false hope.
Well-meaning people can fall into the trap of making promises they simply cannot keep.
Unaccountably, some of my Christian friends were the worst at that. They kept telling me God would bring someone along. ‘God will do it when you least expect it,’ they foretold smilingly. How can you know that, I wanted to shout? When you are single into your late twenties, watching every other person in church get paired up and then get procreating, it does somewhat throw such promises into doubt.
My friend turned out to be right, by the way. I got married at the age of twenty-nine (practically geriatric compared to my friends). But her original comments were still unhelpful. I would have much preferred some honest encouragement, or even feedback, back then.
Constructive criticism and plain friendship go a long way.
‘Steph, sorry to hear you’re struggling with singledom, that sucks.’ ‘Steph, I’m here for you.’ ‘Steph, have you considered actually talking to boys?’ Constructive criticism and plain friendship go a long way in helping someone you love. And friendship is a season that can last a lifetime.
Have you been told your singledom is ‘only for a season’? How does that fit for you? What would be more helpful when you’re struggling with singledom—empathy, understanding, prayer? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.