In my time of participating in the dating world and hearing about friends’ dating experiences, I’ve gathered a collection of worthy traits to look for in a partner. I’ve also gained some hard-won wisdom about red flags (haven’t we all?) when deciding whether to continue in a relationship—or whether to run!
When considering dating, it’s worth figuring out beforehand what your ideals, compromises and non-negotiables are. Ideals are the traits we would love to have in a partner if humanly possible. Compromises are things that are less than ideal, but which we can make work. Non-negotiables are the absolute deal-breakers, the things we cannot compromise on. Being clear on these three tiers from the outset will make dating a whole lot simpler, though it may still not be easy!
Today’s blog will focus on the good traits, and next week we’ll focus on those red flags. Bear in mind, the below traits are drawn from my own experience and therefore will be shaded by my personality and values, including my Christian beliefs.
Traits to look for
Basic Christian qualities, including the fruits of the Spirit; honesty, fidelity, generosity; and a faith in Christ that you can share. If they are not a Christian, how important is that to you? Do you share a sense of spirituality or common values? For some people, that is enough; but that’s not for everybody. For me, a shared Christian faith is a non-negotiable.
Safety. This is not just physical safety and an absence of abuse, but emotional safety as well. Emotional safety is where you feel like you can be yourself, have an opinion and a voice, and say how you feel without fear of punishment. Safety is crucial to trust in any relationship.
Safety is crucial to trust in any relationship.
Tricky subjects: health issues, mental health concerns, substance use, addictions and criminal histories can cause challenges in relationships. It can be good to discuss these things early in a way that is both sensitive and honest. If a potential partner has issues in these areas, for example, a disability, a predisposition toward depression or a porn addiction, it can be good to have conversations about these to discuss what they—and you—need to manage these. Such issues may or may not be deal-breakers for you, or they may be a flag to watch.
Good communication. Everyone communicates, but how well does this person communicate? Do they raise problems early or bottle them up? Can they describe and understand their feelings? Do they ask for what they need? Do they listen to you, respect you, empathise with you? Are they assertive, or do they swallow their feelings, give you the silent treatment, or manipulate or bulldoze you? Some of these traits could be flags.
Conflict resolution skills. Even the best of friends will never see eye-to-eye on everything. Good conflict resolution skills, while not a guarantee, will optimise your chances of resolving differences. How does your partner handle confrontation? Do they take responsibility for their contribution to the problem? Do they punish you for raising tricky subjects? Are they solution-focused or blame-focused? Are they prepared to compromise? Can they take constructive feedback?
Values: know thyself. Consider what you value in life and what values you look for in a partner. How important is their ambition to you? Do they need to value generosity, or adventurousness, or compassion? Do you need to be with an extrovert? A night owl? Do you both want children? Are you OK with them having kids from a previous relationship? Do you have things in common—hobbies, passions, senses of humour, TV shows you can watch together? You do not need to agree on everything, but you may have some core values and interests that need to be shared or at least respected.
Life goals. If there are certain things you want to prioritise or achieve in life—travel, family, ministry, career, recording a number one hit—it’s important to look for a partner who can support these goals. They may not share them, but as long as there is room for you to pursue those dreams, and vice versa, you can probably work with that.
Finally, the ‘for better or worse’ test. If this person you’re dating suddenly got sick; if they could never work again; if you had to care for them for the rest of your life; if they get transferred overseas or interstate; if their appearance changed; if they lost their mind or memories; could you stick it out? Would you want to? This might tell you a lot!
Which of these good traits resonate with you? What would you add to this list? If you are dating, can you see yourself applying this to your dating life? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.
Note: these traits are discussed further in the Heavenly Relationships course for Christian singles, divorcees and dating couples. Further resources can be found here: https://www.heavenlyrelationships.org