Dating life is full of potential—for better and for worse. It can be fun and it can be risky, and it’s worth looking at both sides of the relational coin.
In our last blog, we spotlighted some of the good traits to look for and consider in a partner or spouse. Today we’re focusing on the red flags, things to look out for, and potential warning signs to bear in mind. These are drawn from my personal experience and the stories I have heard; they may or may not resonate with your own experience.
Flags
As mentioned last blog, things like substance use, addictions and criminal records can be flags. If they are firmly consigned to the past, you may be willing to have a conversation about them at least, and talk about what to do if you spot early warning signs of a return of those behaviours. Feel free to set firm boundaries around that stuff. Or the presence of these things, even in the distant past, may be a deal-breaker for you.
Abuse is never OK. In particular, patterns of abusive behaviour are a giant red flag. Because some signs of abuse can be a bit hard to pin down, here’s a starter:
– physical harm and restraint;
– verbal (yelling, insulting);
– emotional (making you feel small, humiliating you, controlling you, ignoring or negating your feelings, narcissism);
– psychological (gaslighting you, blaming you for all the problems in the relationship, manipulating you eg. telling you ‘No one else will ever love you’ or threatening to hurt themselves if you leave, threatening you, promising to change but then returning to abusive behaviours);
– social (isolating you, interrogating you after seeing friends or family, threatening to hurt loved ones if you leave, holding you hostage);
– financial (controlling your money, spending all the money on addictions or frivolous things);
– sexual (forcing or coercing you into doing sexual things you don’t want to do);
– spiritual (ridiculing your beliefs, stopping you from attending church or practising your faith, twisting religious teachings to justify their abuse eg. ‘The man is the head of the household’);
– legal (using court proceedings to further control or harass you, telling police you are ‘crazy’);
– intimidation (standing over you, reminding you how strong or powerful they are, damaging property, stalking, surveillance eg. checking your phone or hacking into your social media);
– jealousy and possessiveness (including telling you that their controlling behaviours are signs of love); and
– denying that they are doing any of these things or minimising them.
Poor conflict resolution skills and unhelpful communication styles can derail any relationship. Unhelpful ways of approaching conflict include avoidance, over-compliance ie. agreeing with everything you say or never expressing a preference, being passive-aggressive (eg. silent treatment or dropping hints but never saying what they mean directly), consistently prioritising their needs and wants over yours, sulking or moodiness, and low emotional intelligence (such as not being able to express their feelings or identify with yours). Such things can be overcome, of course, and all of us fall into these behaviours every now and again. However, a pattern of these behaviours can interfere with the relationship and take their toll.
For me, things like smoking, mooching off me and extreme mood swings are flags—they are in the ‘non-negotiable’ tier—but these things might fall into the ‘compromise’ category for you. It can be helpful to reflect on what is important to you and why, and don’t be afraid to stick to those values. At the same time, and if safe to do so, feel free to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially if they are making efforts to change. But if those all-important changes don’t stick, it’s OK to walk.
The final ‘flag’ is the Holy Spirit, combined with good ol’ fashioned gut instinct. If you believe the Holy Spirit is prompting you to pursue a relationship and your gut instinct aligns with that, go for it. It might be the best positive risk you’ve ever taken. By the same token, if you sense the Spirit giving you warnings and your intuition says the same, run. Don’t second-guess yourself or wait for things to get worse. You could save yourself a lifetime of heartache.
What flags have you spotted in your (and others’) relationships? Are there any warning signs you would add to this list? How have you responded to such flags in the past? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.
Note: these flags are discussed further in the Heavenly Relationships course for Christian singles, divorcees and dating couples. Further resources can be found here: https://www.heavenlyrelationships.org