‘How wonderful to express your pain through writing,’ people often enthuse. ‘It must be so cathartic!’ Yes—and no. On the one hand, I find it helpful to get my feelings onto paper or screen. Seeing things in black and white can give me clarity about my problems, not to mention perspective. Sometimes, when I write […]
loss
Roller-Skate While You Can!
‘I have decided,’ announced my psychologist/coach friend, Krystyna Kidson, ‘to make the most of things while I have them. To that end, I’m going to learn to roller-skate!’* We were discussing life with chronic illness and, in particular, I was lamenting the loss of predictability and control. ‘How can I go on,’ I moaned, ‘when […]
Travelling Childlessly
One of my parenting dreams was taking my children travelling. I always enjoyed travelling as a kid: the early morning starts when it is still dark, the air is cold and crisp, and the first stirrings of insects prelude the dawn chorus; the long sleeps in the car, and rambunctious singing along to cassette tapes […]
Why Diagnosis Was a Relief For Me—and When Getting Better is Hard
Being diagnosed with a lifelong condition is a source of grief for many people. But diagnosis was actually a relief for me—and my grief sometimes gets worse when I get better, not just when I get sicker. I am unfortunate enough to be living with an absolute monster of an autoimmune disease commonly known as […]
A Story of Life
‘An unusual story of grief over a beloved pet and shared through cake and all things lemon. The ritual of death and new growth is wonderfully encapsulated through the lemon tree.’—Lorraine Marwood, Stories of Life judge and award-winning author Yesterday my short story, Love and Lemon Cake, won second prize in the Stories of Life competition (short story category). I […]
Unravelling
‘It’s God’s plan’, they say, As I quietly unravel, Wiping the tears discretely, So as not to interrupt Their conversation. I gather memories, images Of children I never had Like star clusters Sparkling in the black void. *** ‘It’s God’s plan’, they say, As I sidestep the awkward question About ‘family’, As I avoid the […]
The Sound of Silence
Perhaps if they didn’t say, ‘It’s God plan,’ there would just be an uncomfortable silence. Perhaps that’s why they fill it with words—even if the words crack and splinter, breaking apart in our hands. How easily the words crumble, revealing they were hollow inside. How often we patch up grief with platitudes. How often we […]
Here She is: the Angel At My Keyboard
Last year I wrote a song called Angel At My Keyboard, written about and for the daughter I never had. It tells the story of a little girl who learns to play the keyboard, and I teach her. Music becomes something we share. It’s total fantasy, of course, like most of our hopes and dreams for […]
Coping With Childlessness When Your Furbaby Dies
What do you do when your furbaby dies—especially when they were instrumental in coping with childlessness? My beautiful rescue cat, Portia, recently died. She was nineteen and had a few health problems, but a few months ago she went rapidly downhill with suspected renal failure. She went very peacefully in the end. Just like that, […]
Stuck in the Middle
If you want a story with a happy ending—or indeed, any kind of ending—you’d better stop reading now. This story, like an unfinished symphony, is incomplete. I am still living this story; I do not know how it ends. All I know is I am currently stuck in the middle of a seemingly endless stretch […]