‘You’re too young to have arthritis!’ the doctor remarked.
I took a breath before responding. Age amongst the chronically ill can be a sensitive topic, and many young people with chronic pain and disease experience minimising and dismissal from doctors on account of their youth. This, naturally, is not OK—yet many doctors still comment on it.
‘Well,’ I answered, ‘I guess some diseases can just attack you regardless of your age.’
He sobered immediately. ‘That’s true,’ he said.
I was glad I didn’t overreact. Because the whole arthritis thing for me is a bit touchy. I don’t like having it as a fortysomething (I don’t like having it at all, to be honest). Arthritis is commonly associated with being older, say, in your seventies or eighties, and I loathe the idea of having this condition so young. But given it’s associated with lupus in my case, and given lupus generally attacks females of child-bearing age, it’s going to affect the younger generations.
I know I shouldn’t worry about what others think, but my sensitivity to arthritis is also to do with how society views it. If you google support services or resources for arthritis, your results page is flooded with images of frail, aged people on walkers, complete with white hair and bespotted hands. (Why do health services like close-ups of wrinkled hands with veins popping out? Why?)
I have no desire to be associated with that. It’s not good for my mental health. When I’m having a bad day, feeling like the pain will never end, I don’t need the geriatric reminders. It’s like pouring salt on to the proverbial gaping wound. It’s going to hurt.
When I’m feeling reasonably well, it’s easy to shrug it off with a laugh (or sarcastic remark). I do this most of the time. It’s only occasionally that it cuts deep. And that’s when I can easily overreact to doctor’s remarks about how young I am. (Also, I don’t feel young. I’ve been living with non-arthritic chronic pain for thirty years, and arthritisy stuff for over a decade. It gets wearying.)
Pain can strike at any age. Mine began at the age of fourteen. If you, like me, have been living with chronic pain for a long time, you already know it can strike young. It doesn’t take much for the delicate balance of our bodies to be thrown way off course, regardless of age.
It doesn’t take much for the delicate balance of our bodies to be thrown off course, regardless of age.
So where does this leave us, especially when others make insensitive remarks about our age or lack thereof? While the odd overreaction can serve to shake others out of their careless conversation, generally a calm and thoughtful response from us goes over better. We can gently educate them about chronic pain, including how it affects younger people. In doing so, we’re raising the profile and acceptance of chronic illness and disability in our communities.
Self-disclosure can work too. I’m not suggesting we share our life story with everyone on the street. But we can share some of our lived experience with friends and loved ones to help them better understand us and people like us. I find it helpful to be upfront about my lived experience; I don’t tell them about lupus in the first conversation, but I do mention the chronic illness thing. It helps them to be more empathic and say things like ‘That sucks’ and ‘I’m sorry’ instead of ‘You’re too young.’
We can tell them how the unhelpful remarks impact us. ‘I hear that comment a lot, and it kinda hurts.’ ‘Yeah, this disease is poorly understood, and I wish it weren’t so.’ ‘As a person living with chronic pain since I was fourteen, I feel pretty upset by what you just said.’
Hopefully they will respond kindly to our honest feedback, and they’ll realise that pain can strike anyone of any age. Who knows? Our stories may help them be kinder to other chronically ill people in future.
Have you been on the receiving end of the ‘too young’ comments? How did you respond? What do you wish people would say instead? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.
Hi Steph – It’s unbelievable that a doctor would say that. They should know better that different disorders can occur at younger ages. I have mild to moderate osteoarthritis in my feet and knees (and probably my back), and I feel at least 20 years older than my age sometimes. Thanks for getting the word out there. It’s sad when people downplay another person’s health issues. Take care xx
Thanks Nola – while I am no longer shocked by doctor’s comments, I’m still disappointed when remarks like this get tossed around. You are totally right: many different disorders can occur at all ages including youngish ages. Sorry to hear about your arthritis and how it affects you; I can certainly relate to feeling older than my chronological years. I hope that by sharing my experience, and by you sharing yours, we can raise the profile of these issues and gain a deeper appreciation of the lived experience of people with chronic health issues. Thank you so much for sharing.