Three years ago I became useless.
I had acquired a cold and, along with it, problems breathing. All tests for COVID-19 etc. came back clear. It was just a cold—but I couldn’t talk for more than a few minutes without severe shortness of breath.
I couldn’t walk very far. In fact, when I went to hospital for some urgent tests, I became severely breathless after walking from the x-ray room to my bed (about ten metres). The doctors took one look at me and said, ‘Her face is turning purple’. They threw pills down my throat, but it took me a good half an hour to regain my breath.
Dyspnea, they called it. A fancy word for struggling for air. Minimal exertion sent my heart rate skyrocketing. I was exhausted, needing to lie down after showering, unable to leave the house except for medical appointments. And even those were a massive ordeal.
I couldn’t go to work. Fatigue and brain fog prevented me from doing simple admin at home. I spent my entire existence getting medical tests done, seeing doctors, and recovering from same. I was completely and utterly useless.
I was completely and utterly useless.
As the months dragged on, I struggled with the guilt of not working and not doing anything. I felt that I was letting everyone down (even though I was doing everything in my power to nail down a diagnosis—which never materialised). I felt helpless, powerless, and hopeless.
Things did get better after about six months. But at the time I felt like it might never resolve. I was terrified at the prospect of being permanently disabled and medically retired in my forties. I didn’t want to be useless, judged by society, unable to work, cornered into receiving the Disability Pension until I died. I wanted to be a contributing member of society.
My body, it seemed, had not received that memo.
I knew my worth was found in Christ, not in my job or usefulness. But it’s funny what happens to your sense of self-worth when you become disabled, isn’t it? It was super confronting for me to face the reality of total uselessness. I felt pretty worthless stuck at home, unable to hold a conversation or concentrate on anything for long. Was I still valuable, still loveable, still wanted?
Society says our worth lies in what we do, how productive we are, and how useful we are to others. Jesus says differently: our worth lies in our kinship with God and being his children. Nothing more. I confronted that during my six-month disability. And I discovered that God never asked me to be the super useful person I wanted to be. He never called me to be some kind of hero or champion. That was on me.
He simply called me child.
I can do that. No matter how disabled I am or how useless I feel, I can be his child. I can lean back into his loving arms, secure in the knowledge that I am no less worthy or valuable when I can’t do all the things. I am inherently valuable, inherently loved, because I am his. It really is that simple.
I pray today you can lean back into the comfortable arms of the Father and simply know that you are his.
Do you ever feel useless? How do you cope with feelings of helplessness or hopelessness? How can you invite God to come and sit with you in those feelings today? Share your story. Let’s have a countercultural conversation.